hi. ugh!
3 weeks before my wedding, 3 or 4 weeks after preparing for the wedding..s...weddings...one of which is a hindu ceremony. the ceremony for which my parents have been working very hard to get together...running around,here and there...one in which there will not be english spoken by the priest, cause he doesn't know english...the one that has me changing into 3 different saris, the one that i am excited to go through, because of the strangeness of it all, but also the one that is very scary and odd due to the 'strangeness of it all'...well anyway, the ceremony that has caused me grave mental stress...well...i decided to tell my parents that i am not hindu and that i am doing that ceremony for them. that it is as strange to me as it is to robin, the american, white- american, raised christian-white-american...anyway...they didn't take it too well. they feel that i am hindu and by saying that i am not, means that i am not part of the family, being that the family is hindu. and that i have hurt them greatly. i have disrespected them, and that there has been a large amount of damage done. i feel that i have a right to be whatever religion i want to be, and that i choose to be agnostic, spiritual, definite believer of god, but a god without a name...and i feel that if i, even with out beliefs towards hinduism, that if i say that i am doing the ceremony for them...then...well..then they should realize how special they are to me, because i am doing this for them. my dad on the other hand, says that i don't have the right to play the sacrificer and that they have sacrificed so much that i should not be allowed to play that role. they also said (last friday) that they (the two of them) will contemplate on whether to cancel the hindu ceremony. and i have not spoken to them since.
i know that i wrote too fast, and that alot of that didn't make sense...but in sum...i told my parents that i was not hindu and my parents feel that i have disrespected and hurt them, and do not want to give me a hindu ceremony because they don't feel that i deserve it. the problem? well...i was looking forward to the experience of it all, the hindu ceremony...it would have been pretty...i told them this as well...it was not good enough for them.
also, robin wants stark white/ plain white tile for the bathroom and thinks that if i do it my style, i will make it look gaudy. (saturday)...he doesn't trust my style, and i hate his lack of style, although, i suppose that, lacking in a style is itself a style...a simplistic style...i like minimalism, i really do...but i hate that he is rigid and uncompromising...anyway, cold feet galore...
parents causing me stress, fiancee is...well... is not able to help me and is causing me stress as well...no one to talk to, my bridesmaid is busy, my brothers are unavailable (one is out of town, and the other, well, he has his own life that he's concentrating on)...and ...well...my general sensitivity to everything...well...all this is causing me to have stomach problems, weakness, and a general lack of energy to dealing with it all. where is that light at the end of the tunnel? when will i be allowed to be happy without some darn thing causing me to be sad.
(causing me to be sad:parents, lack of communication,expectations, former close friends not wanting to attend the wedding, current friends not attending due to circumstances, friends stating that they are not able to be my bridesmaids, having to take care of EVERYTHING, not really knowing what to do.)
i hate all of this...is this all supposed to be so damn hard? it is making me negative...ugh...i hate being negative...i am generally so positive...
someone tell me a joke...please...pretty please...
3 weeks before my wedding, 3 or 4 weeks after preparing for the wedding..s...weddings...one of which is a hindu ceremony. the ceremony for which my parents have been working very hard to get together...running around,here and there...one in which there will not be english spoken by the priest, cause he doesn't know english...the one that has me changing into 3 different saris, the one that i am excited to go through, because of the strangeness of it all, but also the one that is very scary and odd due to the 'strangeness of it all'...well anyway, the ceremony that has caused me grave mental stress...well...i decided to tell my parents that i am not hindu and that i am doing that ceremony for them. that it is as strange to me as it is to robin, the american, white- american, raised christian-white-american...anyway...they didn't take it too well. they feel that i am hindu and by saying that i am not, means that i am not part of the family, being that the family is hindu. and that i have hurt them greatly. i have disrespected them, and that there has been a large amount of damage done. i feel that i have a right to be whatever religion i want to be, and that i choose to be agnostic, spiritual, definite believer of god, but a god without a name...and i feel that if i, even with out beliefs towards hinduism, that if i say that i am doing the ceremony for them...then...well..then they should realize how special they are to me, because i am doing this for them. my dad on the other hand, says that i don't have the right to play the sacrificer and that they have sacrificed so much that i should not be allowed to play that role. they also said (last friday) that they (the two of them) will contemplate on whether to cancel the hindu ceremony. and i have not spoken to them since.
i know that i wrote too fast, and that alot of that didn't make sense...but in sum...i told my parents that i was not hindu and my parents feel that i have disrespected and hurt them, and do not want to give me a hindu ceremony because they don't feel that i deserve it. the problem? well...i was looking forward to the experience of it all, the hindu ceremony...it would have been pretty...i told them this as well...it was not good enough for them.
also, robin wants stark white/ plain white tile for the bathroom and thinks that if i do it my style, i will make it look gaudy. (saturday)...he doesn't trust my style, and i hate his lack of style, although, i suppose that, lacking in a style is itself a style...a simplistic style...i like minimalism, i really do...but i hate that he is rigid and uncompromising...anyway, cold feet galore...
parents causing me stress, fiancee is...well... is not able to help me and is causing me stress as well...no one to talk to, my bridesmaid is busy, my brothers are unavailable (one is out of town, and the other, well, he has his own life that he's concentrating on)...and ...well...my general sensitivity to everything...well...all this is causing me to have stomach problems, weakness, and a general lack of energy to dealing with it all. where is that light at the end of the tunnel? when will i be allowed to be happy without some darn thing causing me to be sad.
(causing me to be sad:parents, lack of communication,expectations, former close friends not wanting to attend the wedding, current friends not attending due to circumstances, friends stating that they are not able to be my bridesmaids, having to take care of EVERYTHING, not really knowing what to do.)
i hate all of this...is this all supposed to be so damn hard? it is making me negative...ugh...i hate being negative...i am generally so positive...
someone tell me a joke...please...pretty please...
Comments