words hurt, watch your words please

robin asked me to come by his work, my old work, friday morning and to bring ani. simple request right? not so much. i have not seen alot of these folks in 4 or 5 years, some in 7 (pre-kids).

i was a different person then. a skinnier person, a younger person? i was a nervous wreck. i didn't have time to dye my hair. i obviously had to wear something somewhat cute. 

i scrunched my hair, til it was curly and not it's usually frizzy self. i covered up some of the gray part with pins. i was happy with it. so on to the clothes.

i tried on my first outfit. i showed it to the kids. they said "mommy you look pretty", a-girl said "i like that dress mommy". yay!

i tried on another one...and didn't show it to the kids. i hated it.

i tried on the third. i was worried that it made me look fat. i said my worry, and s-boy laughed and said "mommy you look skinny in it, you look as skinny as daddy", m-boy said, "i like this one mommy".

i asked my  mom which of the two was better, the first or the third. she said, "i didn't like the first one at all and this one is at least better".

just what i wanted to hear right? great! super! not.

i wore the third and with the kids' help, i went confident and happy. 

in the back of my mind, i can't stop thinking of her words and remember the things i have heard in my life, "then why did you cut your hair, you look ugly"(after i told her  i liked someone), "why don't you wash your face, it looks dirty"(no dad, i just got tanner with the sun), "brush your hair, it looks horrible"(no everyone,  my hair is just crazy, it's not b/c i didn't brush it). "maybe some people aren't meant to drive" (no it turns out, i got into those accidents b/c i have diabetes and i was uncontrolled and had really low blood sugar). 

if i didn't have my inner strength, a belief in  myself, who else would i get it from?