i had an epiphany over the weekend.
all of my life i have been trying to get praise from my family and friends. praise and support actually. i have tried painting, writing, designing, cooking, and photography.
regarding my photography, my family and friends would have preferred that i take pictures of people on my trips rather than the architecture and landscape. and robin had a friend, "pre-mamatha time", who is a photographer, so he appreciates his photography vs. mine. he gets tired of seeing my pictures.
regarding writing...my parents don't take the time to read it so i once laid a piece of paper with a short story on the table for my mom to read...without pressuring her to read it...and she used it for a coaster. last week i wrote something, this w/e i showed it to my writing group and got very favorable comments (and some advice to improve it)...it was a piece on my memories of india. the people in the writing group have lived in india and they said that it very much reminded them of india.
b/c of their comments, i showed it to my uncle who just came here from india and was an english professor there. i really wanted to make him proud of me. instead he said 'what do you know about india? it was a good try, but you have no substance, there is a soul but no skin'. he also only read half of the story...b/c my mother interrupted to ask him to do something (although she knew that he was reading a story i wrote). he never even finished more than half of the story.
painting. i once painted a birthday card for robin. i showed it to a couple of folks at work, and they were amazed. (strangers were amazed) i showed it to my father before giving it to robin. my father said, 'it's nice, what is it' then when i told him he said 'it's okay, i've seen better' (note: he doesn't mean of my work). robin thought it was nice, and left it at my house where i gave it to him. he didn't even take it home.
(preetham is the only person who has actually shown and kept the cards that i painted)
cooking. i was asked to bring dessert for a party. to robin, i threw out the idea of making something. he suggested that i buy something. he said that i always try to make things, and they never work. he said that trying things is for people who are good at cooking. (later he said that he meant to say that it was too much work, and i get stressed out, and it would be easier to buy something)
my mother will not let me attempt to help her although she lets me cut vegetables sometimes. she doesn't trust the amount of dough i will use to make chapathis, or the amount of salt and spices i'll use to make the base of bhiriyani. (but she does allow my cousin, a mother, to add spices and make all the chapathis she wants).
by the way, my family only enjoys and appreciates food that is indian. they think that it is "sweet" that i cook chicken kiev, lasagna, bruschetta, quesadilla, sweet potatoe chips w/a brown sugar sauce, etc.,
also, regarding my style. my friends were the ones that suggested that i straighten my hair. i originally thought that it was nice of them to make suggestions, but then when i tell people that, they tell me that that sounds as if these friends are trying to change me. that i am not allowed to be happy with who i am.
so it occurs to me, v, that it is not b/c i am afraid of failure that i don't try things. i try things knowing that i will fail, but hoping in the teeniest tiny part of my heart, that i might actually succeed. for once. succeed not in making strangers happy, for i am able to do that, but for once in my life, to make my family (my husband, father, mother, brothers, and extended family...and a few friends) happy.
(my family and close friends say that they are the ones who are the most honest with me. they say that strangers will say anything and are just trying to be nice. unfortunately, most of the time, i believe that this statement is true. )
all of my life i have been trying to get praise from my family and friends. praise and support actually. i have tried painting, writing, designing, cooking, and photography.
regarding my photography, my family and friends would have preferred that i take pictures of people on my trips rather than the architecture and landscape. and robin had a friend, "pre-mamatha time", who is a photographer, so he appreciates his photography vs. mine. he gets tired of seeing my pictures.
regarding writing...my parents don't take the time to read it so i once laid a piece of paper with a short story on the table for my mom to read...without pressuring her to read it...and she used it for a coaster. last week i wrote something, this w/e i showed it to my writing group and got very favorable comments (and some advice to improve it)...it was a piece on my memories of india. the people in the writing group have lived in india and they said that it very much reminded them of india.
b/c of their comments, i showed it to my uncle who just came here from india and was an english professor there. i really wanted to make him proud of me. instead he said 'what do you know about india? it was a good try, but you have no substance, there is a soul but no skin'. he also only read half of the story...b/c my mother interrupted to ask him to do something (although she knew that he was reading a story i wrote). he never even finished more than half of the story.
painting. i once painted a birthday card for robin. i showed it to a couple of folks at work, and they were amazed. (strangers were amazed) i showed it to my father before giving it to robin. my father said, 'it's nice, what is it' then when i told him he said 'it's okay, i've seen better' (note: he doesn't mean of my work). robin thought it was nice, and left it at my house where i gave it to him. he didn't even take it home.
(preetham is the only person who has actually shown and kept the cards that i painted)
cooking. i was asked to bring dessert for a party. to robin, i threw out the idea of making something. he suggested that i buy something. he said that i always try to make things, and they never work. he said that trying things is for people who are good at cooking. (later he said that he meant to say that it was too much work, and i get stressed out, and it would be easier to buy something)
my mother will not let me attempt to help her although she lets me cut vegetables sometimes. she doesn't trust the amount of dough i will use to make chapathis, or the amount of salt and spices i'll use to make the base of bhiriyani. (but she does allow my cousin, a mother, to add spices and make all the chapathis she wants).
by the way, my family only enjoys and appreciates food that is indian. they think that it is "sweet" that i cook chicken kiev, lasagna, bruschetta, quesadilla, sweet potatoe chips w/a brown sugar sauce, etc.,
also, regarding my style. my friends were the ones that suggested that i straighten my hair. i originally thought that it was nice of them to make suggestions, but then when i tell people that, they tell me that that sounds as if these friends are trying to change me. that i am not allowed to be happy with who i am.
so it occurs to me, v, that it is not b/c i am afraid of failure that i don't try things. i try things knowing that i will fail, but hoping in the teeniest tiny part of my heart, that i might actually succeed. for once. succeed not in making strangers happy, for i am able to do that, but for once in my life, to make my family (my husband, father, mother, brothers, and extended family...and a few friends) happy.
(my family and close friends say that they are the ones who are the most honest with me. they say that strangers will say anything and are just trying to be nice. unfortunately, most of the time, i believe that this statement is true. )
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