people in india think that we children of india, raised in america, are the most spoiled children. they think that the families living here have 2 cars, a big house, great health, great everything...and that everything comes easy.
i am writing this now because, while i happily accept from my parents, help in taking care of my children...i also think of the past more. words said, expectations unfulfilled, feelings of guilt at not being like my cousins in india, perfect...not listening to them, not following the field that they would choose for us, not marrying when they choose, to whom they would have chosen, not staying at home until marriage, not dating ever-just go straight to marriage.
no i did not do any of these things. so, i have guilt at the sadness that i have caused them, as well as the shame and dissappointment.
i also have anger because they brought us here, they should have acknoweldged that the world we live in is not the one that they were raised in...hell, it's not the one that exists in india now. for instance, my mother and father say that indian young women and men do not date before marriage...but when i read these blogs of the young indian women and men in india today--they are dating, lots of dating.
the parenting techniques are definitely also very different in the two countries, america and india. the children on tv here seem to get words of encouragement, a push to independence, a value for self-reliance...but in india-are you kidding me. i remember names being called, loser, failure, etc., b/c i would come home at midnight (of course my brother, a year younger, would be able to come home at any time)...i remember having doubts of whether i have the intelligence to graduate from college, whether there was anything special about me---i didn't feel special, i didn't feel smart, i didn't feel as if i had a value at all.
anyway...i am babbling. i guess that sometimes living here gets really hard...for me and them. i was not the child that they wanted me to be, and they...you know, honestly, i never wished for them to be someone else, but just to be more lenient on me. to let me be me, and to value me as me. i feel that yes they do value me now...but merely because they are not ashamed of me anymore, i did get married and i did give them grand children. otherwise if i was still single...
i cannot wait to leave here, just so that i can get a better relationship again. i left home at 19...i have been working on getting a good relationship with them since then. since moving back, i think that i have let that anger take over, and i say things that are irrelevant, angrily, merely b/c things remind me of back then.
(stop whining mamatha...they are nice people...they give you monetary help when you need it...they love hubs, your choice of a husband...they are good grandparents (they are really, even though they do things that i would not want, like cater to their needs,which of course all grand parents do!!)...stop whining and enjoy them and life in general. stop thinking about things that cannot be changed!!)
i am writing this now because, while i happily accept from my parents, help in taking care of my children...i also think of the past more. words said, expectations unfulfilled, feelings of guilt at not being like my cousins in india, perfect...not listening to them, not following the field that they would choose for us, not marrying when they choose, to whom they would have chosen, not staying at home until marriage, not dating ever-just go straight to marriage.
no i did not do any of these things. so, i have guilt at the sadness that i have caused them, as well as the shame and dissappointment.
i also have anger because they brought us here, they should have acknoweldged that the world we live in is not the one that they were raised in...hell, it's not the one that exists in india now. for instance, my mother and father say that indian young women and men do not date before marriage...but when i read these blogs of the young indian women and men in india today--they are dating, lots of dating.
the parenting techniques are definitely also very different in the two countries, america and india. the children on tv here seem to get words of encouragement, a push to independence, a value for self-reliance...but in india-are you kidding me. i remember names being called, loser, failure, etc., b/c i would come home at midnight (of course my brother, a year younger, would be able to come home at any time)...i remember having doubts of whether i have the intelligence to graduate from college, whether there was anything special about me---i didn't feel special, i didn't feel smart, i didn't feel as if i had a value at all.
anyway...i am babbling. i guess that sometimes living here gets really hard...for me and them. i was not the child that they wanted me to be, and they...you know, honestly, i never wished for them to be someone else, but just to be more lenient on me. to let me be me, and to value me as me. i feel that yes they do value me now...but merely because they are not ashamed of me anymore, i did get married and i did give them grand children. otherwise if i was still single...
i cannot wait to leave here, just so that i can get a better relationship again. i left home at 19...i have been working on getting a good relationship with them since then. since moving back, i think that i have let that anger take over, and i say things that are irrelevant, angrily, merely b/c things remind me of back then.
(stop whining mamatha...they are nice people...they give you monetary help when you need it...they love hubs, your choice of a husband...they are good grandparents (they are really, even though they do things that i would not want, like cater to their needs,which of course all grand parents do!!)...stop whining and enjoy them and life in general. stop thinking about things that cannot be changed!!)
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