i had an appointment with the ob doc...my first meeting with her. she walks in and says something like this, "look, i am going to be frank, although you are taking insulin and eating well now, your baby has been predetermined on its health. you were uncontrolled during the development stages of the baby, so there is a very high chance that you will miscarry. even if you don't miscarry, you will be constantly checked for the high chance that the baby will have birth defects".



how am i supposed to handle this news? no matter how much i take care of myself now, i may not ever see my baby.



i am not overweight, i don't indulge in rich food, for every meal. i don't eat alot of sweets (not more than the average joe...a cookie or a candy now and then, once every two days). i eat less than most americans (does that say much?). i don't know what happened. i realize that my parents have it, buy they didn't get it til recently. how was i know that i might have it? and why did the other doctors not catch this.



all of this makes me so angry, when i see women with beautiful little children. i am not angry at anyone at all, just at the situation. i am angry that i didn't see any symptoms.



i also feel very helpless. i love children, for pete's sake, my name means 'motherly love'.



my mother and father say to believe, to believe in miracles. i need help sometimes...but i want to believe. i will believe.

i talk to the baby in my stomach sometimes, telling him (or her) that everything will be alright, that we are going to work hard to be able to meet each other on/around november 10.